Guilt

Not the gold kind that edges stuff (cards, jewelry, porcelain), but the kind that doesn’t get anyone anyplace. I have utterly failed on my New Year’s resolution to get out to the barn twice a week. I get out once a week for my lesson, period. And when I don’t go out, I worry about going out and feel really crappy and bad about myself and march around the house in circles and then I don’t go out. Part of it really is my job. I have so much more Cap. letter J J-O-B than I used to (just finished Month Six of life as an editor — and being an editor is not so bad because one gets to be grumpy when one is an editor), and I have yet to adjust. When I come home from work, I don’t want to go back out. When I’m home on the weekend, I don’t want to go back out either. I just want to sit and veg, or maybe go to the gym — and the gym is ever so much closer than the barn. Sad but true.

So today was Sunday and I should have gone out to the barn to spend time with Mo but I did not. I feel embarrassed about this, embarrassed before my teacher since leasing Mo does come with responsibilities and the biggest responsibility is just spending time with the animal. Sure, I pay for his hoof care, bought him a blanket, make sure that he has vitamins, always bring healthy treats, but I don’t spend time with the animal. He gets his turn out with the rest of the boys but I think I’m the only one who takes lessons on him other than the beginner kids (yes, I ride the beginner horse, the same one they put little kids on), so I’m not sure how much attention he needs and gets. Things aren’t going to get any better in April or May (they’ll get worse!), so I’m looking at turning things around in June. Maybe. Damn. I think of a quote on a sig line at Horsetopia, how horses are not a gentle hobby.

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